The Things We Left Behind
by TheHildur92
Summary: In the wake of a devastating loss, will Hotch and Reid finally come together? Will they finally have their happy ending? Inspired by Feel The Light by Jennifer Lopez. Sequel to Getting Over You and The Things We Keep In The Shadows. Hotch/Reid. Warning; Character Death!
1. Chapter 1

_The rain falls in torrents as we escort the casket through the graveyard to its final resting place. I am one of the bearers, with Spencer walking alongside me. I´d expected him to be a nervous wreck, to break down, spew out facts, anything other then what he is doing now; walking silently at my side without shedding a tear._

 _We reach the open grave and some of the workers gently lower the coffin into the open hole. The priest begins to entone his supposed words of wisdom but I find no comfort in his words, in much the same way when I lost Hayley. Spencer stands on the edge of the grave of his husband and I stand beside him, a comforting presence should he need one. In the middle of the proceedings, Spencer´s mother has one of her fits and has to be escorted away by J.J. who has taken on the role of carer for the afternoon._

 _I cannot conceal my worry for the young man at my side. He stares ahead, lost in his own world and his eyes are cold, his jaw set. I begin to wonder at whether he is having a psychological break of some sort, when he finally reaches out and grabs my hand. I squeeze his fingers gently in comfort, and suddenly, as the priest relays the final words, Spencer finally looks upon me and I see the tears in his eyes. My own almost brim over at the loss of a man I cared for and greatly admired._

 _Once the workers begin to shovel dirt over the coffin, our ways seperate. Dave takes me aside and Prentiss has decided to take care of Spencer in J.J.´s absence. She has always had a soft spot for the younger man and he admires her greatly. Hardly unusal, seeing as she is the female version of me._

 _At the wake, we all share a table and the silence is deafening. It´s Garcia who breaks the silence and reminisces about when she almost thought she had betrayed Kevin with Morgan. I reminisce about the time Morgan stayed with a woman in a car when there was a bomb under her seat. He didn´t let go off her hand until the bomb had been defused. Spencer finally speaks up about how Morgan had helped him deal with his nightmares when he first began to work at the B.A.U. He even remembers with a smile when Morgan sang a Frank Sinatra song to him at their wedding as a surprise. Who would have guessed that Garcia´s handsome Adonis could also sing?_

 _When the guests have finally left and the dishes have been cleared, I offer to drive Spencer home. He merely nods in acknowledgement and thanks everyone on the team who have stayed behind to help, for their input before walking out the door with me on his heels. During the ride back, the young man says nothing and I cannot find the words to express my sense of loss. It´s as if there is now a void in my life that wil never be filled. I know from my experience with Hayley that any words of sympathy will go unheard, therefore, I keep my mouth shut._

 _When we reach the house he shared with Morgan, Spencer turns to me and looks as if he might say something. Instead, before I can stop him, he has reached over and covered my lips with his. In the surprise of the moment, I hardly know how to react before sharply pushing him away. I may want this man but not like this, when he is hurt, angry and vulnerable._

 _I can see the disappointment in Spencer´s eyes when he gazes up at me but before I can apologise, he is out of the car and in the house. I´m about to go after him, when a shadow appears out of the corner of my eye. It´s a familiar shape wearing a shirt and jeans. It takes me a moment to comprehend that it´s Gideon. He waves at me and I know he will not be alone this night. I wave back and go home to my son._

 _For the next few weeks, Spencer comes to work and sits at his desk doing paperwork. I try to speak with him of his loss, but he refuses to discuss Morgan in any way, shape or form. Work is his escape, and he has even removed the picture of him and Morgan which always stood on his desk. His wedding ring can also no longer be seen. J.J. tries to approach him but is berated and sent away with her tail between her legs. The rest of us know that if she was unsuccessful, we don´t stand a chance. I know that as his supervisor, I should intervene, but since his paperwork skills are highly efficient and no new case has been dropped into our lap due to our recent loss, I see no reason to forbid him from coming to work. After speaking with Gideon who assures me he is with Reid each and every night, I know I have done all I can and wait silently for the endgame._


	2. Chapter 2

_For the next few weeks, I keep my contact with Spencer to a minimum. He needs time alone to mourn his loss and I have no intention of igniting the spark once more before he is ready. I have no intention to be Reid´s rebound guy, and therefore I ignore my instinctive urge to protect him and stay away. Saying that, it is indeed easier said then done when I see how he never smiles anymore and finds it difficult to provide any insight at our daily meetings. The worst is seeing him at the end of the day, throwing his satchel over his shoulder, and walking away, looking down on the floor, his shoulders slouching like he carries the weight of the world. I follow my instincts and keep him home when we begin to travel once again on cases a month after Morgan is killed._

 _I manage to keep my own promise of staying away until that fateful night when Gideon calls me at three in the morning, telling me the kid is having a nightmare and he can´t wake him up. He needs me as soon as possible. Seeing as Jack is with his aunt, I throw on a pair of jeans and a shirt, barely remembering to put on my shoes and grab my keys before heading to the car. I drive so fast there that I´m lucky not to cause an accident. Gideon lets me inside Reid´s house and I walk immediately to the bedroom, its location familiar to me from earlier days._

 _Spencer is twisting and turning on the bed, mumuring Morgan´s name. I close the door behind me and pull him into my arms. His forehead and nightshirt are drenched in sweat and I push the errant locks of his long, dark hair away from his face. I whisper that he is okay, and several other nonsense sentences until he quietens down._

" _Hotch?" Spencer groans, clearly now awake._

" _Sssh, it´s okay, babe. You had a nightmare and Gideon called me. Go back to sleep."_

 _Spencer looks up at me with his puppy-brown eyes. His voice is pleading. "Will you stay with me?"_

 _I consent and quickly pull off my clothes, leaving on the boxers for good measure. I settle down on the mattress and Spencer crawls into my arms. He rests his head on my shoulder and I put one arm over him and entwine the fingers of my other hand with those of Reid._

 _Soon enough, we are both fast asleep._

 _Reid prods me awake early the next morning, reminding me that we have a team meeting at nine. While we are dressing, I regard him silently._

" _We can talk about him if you want," I offer carefully._

 _Spencer, who is sitting on the bed putting on his socks, looks up at me. His tone is measured, careful. There is no trace of the vulnerability from last night. "What exactly do you want to hear, Hotch?"_

" _The truth."_

 _Spencer rises from the bed and advances on me slowly. "Is this your pathetic attempt to play a psychiatrist? You can´t make the pain go away Hotch!"_

" _I know," I respond, running a hand through my shorn, dark locks. Clearly I´m out of my depth here._

" _If you want the God´s honest truth I will give it to you. I hate him because he left me behind and you because you´re the reason I could never love him like he deserved."_

 _I flinch at his harsh words. Before I can stop Reid, he lunges at me and begins to hit me. I allow him to vent his anger and frustration before he finally collapses onto the floor in a heap, crying his eyes out._

 _When I reach out to comfort him, he pulls away. "Get away from me!"_

 _The words hurt. He has never pulled away from me before._

" _Morgan didn´t want to leave you, believe that, Spencer.."_

 _Spencer looks up at me with the eyes of a lost child. "Then why did he go into that bank without back-up? He had this constant need to play hero. He promised he would never leave, but he ended dying the same way as his father."_

" _Babe, it´s who he was. He couldn´t walk away from someone in need. He wanted to save that little girl in the bank, and he did before the gunman shot him. It´s who he was. It´s who we are."_

 _I kneel beside him on the floor._

" _Do you want to know the worst part?" Spencer finally manages to offer after minutes of silence._

" _When you heard he was dead a part of you felt relieved."_

" _How horrible is that? Once the first shock and grief had worn off, I couldn´t help thinking that we could now be together._

" _I felt the same way when Hayley died." This is the first time I confess this to anyone._

" _Why didn´t you try with me after she was gone?" Spencer is looking at me with genuine curiosity in his eyes._

" _Because I couldn´t loose someone like that again."_

" _You felt reponsible for her death, seeing as the killer was merely trying to get to you. If I had been able to love Derek as he should have been loved, he would still be alive."_

 _I raise an eyebrow in question and Spencer explains._

" _He wanted us to take the day off and spend it together. I refused due to paperwork, and therefore he went with the other team to the bank. If I had just said yes..." Spencer looks away to conceal the tears building up in his eyes._

" _Don´t do that to yourself, Spencer." I grab his chin and force him to look at me._ _"This is not your fault. Whatever you need, I am here for you."_

 _Spencer nods. "As a friend?"_

" _And a lover," I conclude._

 _Spencer leans over and kisses me. This time, I have no interest in pushing him away. My hands entangle themselves in his long, dark locks and soon enough, I am carrying him to the bed. I lay him down on it and get on top of him. As I cover his neck with kisses, he leans into my ear and whispers, "I've missed you, Aaron."_

 _I find his lips again, and our tongues do battle for victory. I quash the voice in my head, telling me that this is a bad idea when I pull away and see that instead of tears, his eyes are filled with lust and dare I say it, love?_

 _Soon enough, Spencer is hard under my ministrations and I pull the nightshirt he is wearing above his head. I find his nipples and suck on them, and Spencer has to bit his lip in order not to moan with desire. Gideon is in the house, after all, and could hear us._

 _I kiss my way down his stomach and am about to pull down the shorts he wore to bed, when there is a knock on the door._

" _Lovebirds, rise and shine. You have a meeting in thirty minutes. I know what you are doing in there and it'll have to wait. And don't try to throw the fog in my face Aaron Hotchner, I know when the meeting is!"_

 _I growl a response and turn to the man below me. "Next time, we're going to my place."_

 _Spencer laughs for the first time since Morgan died, and reaches up to kiss me. It is a different kiss from the ones earlier, this one is not filled with hot, fiery passion, but soft and gentle love that takes my breath away._

 _Reluctantly, we arise from the bed and begin to dress._


	3. Chapter 3

_After our encounter at his house, Spencer seems to be doing okay for a month or so. He begins to smile and participate in meetings. He begins to go with us on cases once more and is even instrumental in catching a rapist in Indiana._

 _Yet, three months after the funeral he is back to his original behaviour. He refuses to discuss his issues, snaps at random agents and begins to drink heavily when we go out for drinks after work, something he has never done before. It´s an all too familiar pattern I knew in childhood with a father who drank himself to death._

 _One night, after the others have left for the day, I decide to confront him. I can´t find him at his desk, and yet his satchel is there. I head to my office to call his cellphone, but lo and behold, he is sitting in my chair, drinking from the bottle of scotch I keep in the top drawer of my desk along with two glasses to toast with Dave when we solve another case._

 _I walk into my office and close the door behind me. "Spencer, you can´t go on like this."_

" _Why the hell not?" As if trying to deliberately defy me, he pours himself another drink from the bottle and downs it._

 _I head over, grab the bottle from him and put the cork back in._

" _You promised you would be there for me, and left me high and dry. I´m sick and tired of our games, Aaron. So, fuck this!" Spencer arises from my chair and walks past me on his way to the door._

 _I push him up against the wall and kiss him for all it´s worth. At first he seems reluctant but then he responds in kind._

 _When air becomes an issue, we part._

 _Spencer´s brow furrows in question. "Why did you do that?"_

" _I already lost you once, Spencer, due to my own fears. I´ll be damned if I let that happen again." I place a possessive hand on his hip and pull him closer. He allows it to happen._

 _A smile spreads across his face. "Does that mean you´re now stuck with me?"_

" _Trust me, babe, there is no other place where I´d rather be then with you."_

 _Spencer´s smile now beams even brighter and I can see the eternity written in his eyes. "Do you promise?"_

" _Yes," I whisper before lowering my head and joining my forehead with my lover´s. I close my eyes and allow his smell to wash over me and feel his breath on my skin._

 _I kiss his cheek before leaning in and whispering in his ear. "Perhaps we should celebrate. I know just the thing."_

" _Aaron," Spencer gently admonishes. He claims my lips and soon my jacket is discarded along with my tie. Reid wraps his legs around my waist and I hoist him onto my desk, sending papers flying every which way. With nimble fingers, my shirt is soon lost and I begin to fumble with the buttons on the vest Spencer has recently begun to wear. I swear silently when the garment refuses to cooperate, and end up tearing the two sides apart, making the buttons come loose and fall to the floor. Reid doesn´t seem to mind since he is now eagerly sucking at my neck, marking me for his own. I´m now hard under his ministrations and want nothing more then to feel him close in around me, the warmthness of his skin, his scent engulfing me and to feel him moan as I fill him._

 _There is knock on the door and I quickly pull away and hastily bend to retrieve my clothes. I quickly pull on my shirt and button it while Spencer holds together the two sides of his vest, gathers my jacket, the scotch, the tie and discarded buttons, throwing them in a pile underneath the sofa._

 _I turn to the window to disguise my obvious trouble, and call for the unexpected visitor to enter. When Garcia comes in, Spencer is sitting innocently in one of the two chairs facing my desk._

" _Sir, I just got a call from a Detective Benson in New York. We have a nasty rapist on the loose and they need us there ASAP."_

" _Fine," I wave at her. "Call the rest of the team and have them meet me and Reid at the airport. We leave in an hour."_

 _She is about to leave when Spencer motions to her and she leans in so he can whisper something in her ear. I see this when I glance over my shoulder. I can also hear her answer when she gives it. "Of course, chérie. Consider it done."_

 _With a wink, she is gone._

 _I turn around. "Spencer, what did you whisper to Garcia? Hopefully you weren´t suggesting a threesome!"_

 _Spencer throws his head back and laughs. I love that sound and promise myself to hear it as often as possible during the years to come. He walks up to me and puts his hand between my legs. I´m still hard. "I ordered Garcia to make sure we are sharing a room tonight. Does that meet with your approval?"_

 _I can only manage a nod before Spencer smilingly departs, and telling me to hurry up._

 _During the ride to the airport, Spencer puts his hand on my knee and keeps it there for the duration of time it takes us to reach our destination. Once we board the plane, I note the others aren´t here yet. I sit down by the table and expect Spencer to sit somewhere else, wanting to keep his distance. After all, why should we reveal our relationship so shortly after Morgan´s death?_

 _Instead, he sits in the empty seat beside me. Soon enough, the others arrive and Garcia briefs us on the case via satellite. Dave and J.J. are sitting across from us while Prentiss, who agreed to accompany us on this one, sits on the cupboard opposite._

 _After the case has been discussed and files have been closed, Dave and I are eagerly discussing Jacks´s soccer team. I nearly jump when I feel Specer lay his head on my shoulder. I´m about to push him away but think better of it. Slowly, his breathing becomes shallow and he is soon asleep. The others act as if they don´t notice and Dave merely sends me a smile of approval before he continues our discussion._

 _The sun is coming up along the clouds and when the rays shine into my eyes and the face of the man sleeping soundly next to me, with Dave´s comfortable voice in my ear, I know I´m home._


End file.
